Thursday, November 20, 2014

I am reminded of why I previously chose to be single. I've always been "the girlfriend" type. Loyal puppy dog love. Total devotion. I'm just a serious girl about everything I do. I don't enjoy dating or sleeping around. I want to be with someone who I can see a future with... otherwise, there's no chance! No matter how cute or seemingly perfect someone seems, I need to see a serious frame of mind that is ready for commitment. I've never wanted to get married immediately. I wanted to date someone I could seriously marry, eventually. In admitting this, this is the reason why I CHOSE to be single for so long. Prior to my last boyfriend, I was single for many years. Was abstinent from sex for a couple years when I finally "sealed the deal" with my ex... on our 1st official date. It was unlike me. There was a spark. We'd been texting for awhile leading up to it. We were already crazy about each other on our 1st date. So, why was it so scary to make our relationship official "couple status"? Why so much tip toeing and fear? Connections can be effortless but relationships ARE NOT. It takes work, understanding, and maturity (among a ton of other things!) Also, since my last break up, I rediscovered BREAK UPS SUCK! Heartbreak on any degree are uncomfortable and hurt. You take a risk when you agree to make the couple commitment. Likewise, it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship... when you know that's the most beneficial thing to do in the long run. To finally stop denying to yourself and others of how you really feel. I've been that girl so many times, even outside of romantic relationships. Playing that happy role for others so they think everything is ok and you can also play pretend it's ok. It can be easier to drag unhappiness on, Or Try to sabotage a relationship in a subconscious attempt to lead to it's demise WITHOUT having to concretely make the choice. A "coward's way out". I understand making commitments of any sort can be scary. We need to be honest with ourselves and other's we are making commitments to. Is this what we really want? Are we truly in a place to devote serious energy towards this relationship/situation? In all fields of commitment in life, it's similar to gambling. You may know there's a chance going into something. You place your bet or you don't based on that gut feeling. Either way you're taking a risk of "loosing" or getting hurt. It's a part of basic living instinct, you want to protect yourself! Survival instincts. How can you NOT expect issues when you bring two totally separate humans trying to share a life together? Everyone has a different mind with various experiences that others may not be able to relate to... but you still try to understand. Add mommy, daddy, + family problems to the mix, and you're eating the bittersweet salad of life sprinkled with tasty trauma of past relationships, dressed with basic balsamic human nature.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Experiencing an overly intoxicated night can remind you of the mess you have going on inside. I've recently had one of THOSE nights. My day leading up to it was extremely stressful. I was working a full shift after 4 hours of sleep. Then when it ended I had to deal with more job stress. I thought I was going to loose my new job. Both my new and old job double scheduled me. I had to no show one. I tried to get my shift covered from both jobs. Nothing worked and I had to have a serious phone call with my new boss. I felt I never left that anxiety before entering my evening out. I still was carrying this heavy load of stress. I forgot that it's not wise to drink when you're already in a bad state of mind. Basically, I pushed my limits and had a "bad trip". I didn't do anything crazy or wild or get sick. I was just agitated, told a few people off, got too competitive while playing a game, and couldn't keep my balance by the end of the night. I know many people saw me in this state. I'm sure they judged and gossiped about my behavior. I can't entirely blame them for doing so, I brought it upon myself. I'm an old soul who believes in acting like a lady. I was acting like a sad girl. Which I kinda am right now. That night revealed all the stuff I try to push through. Between working 2 jobs, taking scary public transportation, dealing with a breakup, and trying to deal with my grandma's death... I forgot just how much I had going on. I've thrown myself into work to distract me from my depression. I need to slow down for a min and gain peace with everything. We all have our problems. I'm just trying to deal with mine in a healthy way. I need to make some changes. I took a social media cleanse/break for a week a little while back. I think it's time for an alcohol break for a week. I want to use other outlets to release. I haven't been performing or creating much lately. I know that always depresses me when I deprive my artistic side. I become a repressed grump when I'm not artistically expressing myself. I want to feel at peace. Even if situations aren't exactly serene, I must find peace in midst of it all. I will report back when the week is up. Share what I've learned and experienced as a result. Happy Monday! Have a peaceful week!