I am reminded of why I previously chose to be single. I've always been "the girlfriend" type. Loyal puppy dog love. Total devotion. I'm just a serious girl about everything I do. I don't enjoy dating or sleeping around. I want to be with someone who I can see a future with... otherwise, there's no chance! No matter how cute or seemingly perfect someone seems, I need to see a serious frame of mind that is ready for commitment. I've never wanted to get married immediately. I wanted to date someone I could seriously marry, eventually. In admitting this, this is the reason why I CHOSE to be single for so long. Prior to my last boyfriend, I was single for many years. Was abstinent from sex for a couple years when I finally "sealed the deal" with my ex... on our 1st official date. It was unlike me. There was a spark. We'd been texting for awhile leading up to it. We were already crazy about each other on our 1st date. So, why was it so scary to make our relationship official "couple status"? Why so much tip toeing and fear? Connections can be effortless but relationships ARE NOT. It takes work, understanding, and maturity (among a ton of other things!) Also, since my last break up, I rediscovered BREAK UPS SUCK! Heartbreak on any degree are uncomfortable and hurt. You take a risk when you agree to make the couple commitment. Likewise, it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship... when you know that's the most beneficial thing to do in the long run. To finally stop denying to yourself and others of how you really feel. I've been that girl so many times, even outside of romantic relationships. Playing that happy role for others so they think everything is ok and you can also play pretend it's ok. It can be easier to drag unhappiness on, Or Try to sabotage a relationship in a subconscious attempt to lead to it's demise WITHOUT having to concretely make the choice. A "coward's way out". I understand making commitments of any sort can be scary. We need to be honest with ourselves and other's we are making commitments to. Is this what we really want? Are we truly in a place to devote serious energy towards this relationship/situation? In all fields of commitment in life, it's similar to gambling. You may know there's a chance going into something. You place your bet or you don't based on that gut feeling. Either way you're taking a risk of "loosing" or getting hurt. It's a part of basic living instinct, you want to protect yourself! Survival instincts. How can you NOT expect issues when you bring two totally separate humans trying to share a life together? Everyone has a different mind with various experiences that others may not be able to relate to... but you still try to understand. Add mommy, daddy, + family problems to the mix, and you're eating the bittersweet salad of life sprinkled with tasty trauma of past relationships, dressed with basic balsamic human nature.

Experiencing an overly intoxicated night can remind you of the mess you have going on inside. I've recently had one of THOSE nights. My day leading up to it was extremely stressful. I was working a full shift after 4 hours of sleep. Then when it ended I had to deal with more job stress. I thought I was going to loose my new job. Both my new and old job double scheduled me. I had to no show one. I tried to get my shift covered from both jobs. Nothing worked and I had to have a serious phone call with my new boss. I felt I never left that anxiety before entering my evening out. I still was carrying this heavy load of stress. I forgot that it's not wise to drink when you're already in a bad state of mind. Basically, I pushed my limits and had a "bad trip". I didn't do anything crazy or wild or get sick. I was just agitated, told a few people off, got too competitive while playing a game, and couldn't keep my balance by the end of the night. I know many people saw me in this state. I'm sure they judged and gossiped about my behavior. I can't entirely blame them for doing so, I brought it upon myself. I'm an old soul who believes in acting like a lady. I was acting like a sad girl. Which I kinda am right now. That night revealed all the stuff I try to push through. Between working 2 jobs, taking scary public transportation, dealing with a breakup, and trying to deal with my grandma's death... I forgot just how much I had going on. I've thrown myself into work to distract me from my depression. I need to slow down for a min and gain peace with everything. We all have our problems. I'm just trying to deal with mine in a healthy way. I need to make some changes. I took a social media cleanse/break for a week a little while back. I think it's time for an alcohol break for a week. I want to use other outlets to release. I haven't been performing or creating much lately. I know that always depresses me when I deprive my artistic side. I become a repressed grump when I'm not artistically expressing myself. I want to feel at peace. Even if situations aren't exactly serene, I must find peace in midst of it all. I will report back when the week is up. Share what I've learned and experienced as a result. Happy Monday! Have a peaceful week!

I can come across like a bitter, wrestling hating, negative Nancy. I want to set the record straight. I find a lot of art and inspiration through wrestling. I'm fully aware that I'm not a wrestler. Therefore, I have a different relationship with "the business". I've been watching and around that world for many years. Shelly was taking me to shows while she was training. It's always been Shelly's dream to be a wrestler. I was alongside her journey. I've even joined it at times. I've learned so much. Met amazing and talented performers, incredible promoters/writers/production/misc wrestling lovers.  I've really found a lot of joy through wrestling. At the same time, I've always been baffled by the social aspects of the business. Every job has it's own, little, world. Wrestling is something that puzzles me at times. But it's all people stuff. Social behaviors. That's just life. Then, there's social pressures that make me feel very disenchanted. Seeing performer's art get distracted with social politics really irks me. People screwing each other over, being shady, basic high school drama. Watching them work with shady promoters who make everyone feel like they have to play the game to get booked. Whether it's a sexual precondition or ego rubbing quid pro quo... this is just unnecessary. In Hollywood there is sleazy producers with a little cash. Some with legit opportunities. They do bad business, get a girl to sleep with them, or play fake nice to boost their ego. It just blows my mind when people are knowingly accepting the shadiness and putting over these characters. Feeding into their "I'm so great but everyone knows I'm a douche and nothing is ever going to change." Does anyone stand up to these people? I'm intrigued and the journalist in me wants answers. In order to get answers you have to ask questions. Human behavior interests me. I'm just closely involved in wrestling. That's my point of comparison right now.

I podcast. I enjoy listening to podcasts. I find inspiration in many personalities. Therefore, it's a part of my job to be opinionated. Plus, that's naturally who I am.  I could never do radio or podcasting if I didn't have strong opinions. Sometimes, it's controversial. I believe art should make you feel and think. Radio/podcasting is an art. I try to not be harmful or degrading. If I do come across that way I always encourage feedback. Call me out if I need it.

I can go on forever but I just wanted to give a better understanding of where I'm coming from. Especially if you don't know me or misunderstand my perspective... I felt this was important to get out.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!
*Feel free to leave comments below!

Lucille Ball playing- Lucy Ricardo playing- Audrey Hepburn... we definitely peeled the onion and went deep during my test shoot! We mixed multidimensional with simplicity. I had my costume from last year's Halloween hanging sadly and collecting dust in my closet. I only wore it once for the Santino's Halloween show. I accidentally backed into barbed wire and bled all over my cute, little,
"Loosey" costume. The blood didn't wash out but I knew it still had at least one more wear in it! After some discussion, Shelly and I decided to have a photoshoot in our apartment with me in my Lucy Ricardo costume. When the day came, I got my caffeine fix, put on The Squirrel Nut Zippers station on Pandora and vibed with Shelly. I really enjoy when Shelly is my photographer. She understands what I'm trying to portray and when I unintentionally display distracting emotions that are unflattering. I told her that for this shoot I wanted to be Lucille Ball playing- Lucy Ricardo. I want to show a layer of Lucille that is often left unexplored. A strong woman. A completely unique talent. Yet a very real person. With insecurities. Struggles. Lucille was a powerhouse icon and business woman who acted as a housewife. Two very different roles. I wonder how she felt or looked at her character as Lucy Ricardo. She would play this loving housewife when in reality Desi was a disloyal mess. They had a terribly unhealthy marriage in real life. How was it to share scenes with Desi after an argument? Was it blissful to pretend those realities didn't exist? Was she in a TV relationship she truly wished was real? How did she view the housewife role? Or would it empower her? Would she walk away from set thinking "I'm glad that's not my real life"? I've been reading books, articles, and watching documentaries about Lucille Ball. She is intriguing and real. Those qualities are probably the core of why audiences now still literally love Lucy... All the talent on top sure didn't hurt either! ;)

Click here to see the full set!

Click here to see full set!

We HAD to have a photoshoot to truly break in our new apartment! I've been finding myself in a work-sleep-go out sometimes-  do it all over again, funk. Been really craving and missing expressing myself in more artistic ways. I literally go crazy when I'm stuck in the funk. I feel so serious, edgy, irritable. Simply, artistically repressed! Things are finally settling down and becoming normal. This too good to be true apartment has become my cozy, little, home now. We are still transitioning. There's tons of changes in our futures. But through all of everything that is to come, this apartment is where WE WILL STAY. Our "constant" during life's ever changing variables.

I always enjoy working with Shelly. We work extremely well together. I really believe in Shelly as a photographer. Her years of modeling experience shows through her photography. That's why I had total confidence collaborating with her! We shared similar ideas on the vibe and story of the shoot. It's all about a girl who FINALLY moved out of the cockroach infested, scary, dumpy, apartment. Who is now settling into her new, safe, peaceful, apartment. There's still uncertainties, challenges, hardships, but things are different now... for the better. There's 3 sets in this shoot. This first one is in our patio/ front yard area. We've always wanted a balcony or patio. Especially, for our old man Fred Mertz! It was a dream come to true to finally have one in our new apartment! I eventually want to grow my own zen garden. I picture lots of cactus flowers! I experienced a moment with the patio when we first moved in. I was alone looking out onto the patio. The sun was shinning in beautifully and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Feelings of excitement, disbelief, surreal, uncertainty, relief... it all flooded me! I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness while I thought "we finally did it" while looking out onto that patio. Although, I wish my garden was up and blooming, I think it's raw to take these pictures in the bare patio. It signifies this time of  "we have 'it' but 'it' is a little empty." Not empty in a sad way. But in a way that we have all this space and room to fill now. A space to decorate and express who we are. So much room for opportunity! Just like in our life. Our last chapter was our move out. Now, we've finished that book. It can go on the bookshelf while we sit down and write this brand new book. This new, INSPIRING, beginning! We will blossom into our place. It's delicate, beautiful, and real. That is basically the emotions I wanted to convey during this shoot and I think Shelly captured it perfectly!